I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠