When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
#FunnyLife Insects
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%