doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”