The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy