So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
You Might Also Like
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.