I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk