“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Good morning y’all ☀️
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.