My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
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It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.