I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
#NoRestForTheWicked
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”