okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
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The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.