Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”