How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Just had my nails done!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate