Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
So sick of all these stupid rules
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.