Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Ironic
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber