[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
You Might Also Like
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Heroic Misunderstanding
This is what makes twitter great
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house