the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
s
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.