“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
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Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this