Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.