Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
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The game has officially changed 😎
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?