My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Ooh I do like a good funnel