MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
LOL
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.