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GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again