Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
bro what is going on at twitter
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?