Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.