*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.