Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
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7:
3:
7:
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7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.