Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I was just discussing this with my cat
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis