Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
uh oh
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.