got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Human are so complicated
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.