Human are so complicated
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Inside you there are two wolves
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: