“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me irl
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
DOOO EEEET
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack