“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.