I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.