Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.