Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.