Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer