life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
You Might Also Like
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.