ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Whoa 😂
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: