humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.