I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
#TopTip
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.