Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me watching my own Instagram story
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”