Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
You Might Also Like
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately