Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”