Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

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When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.


I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.


[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.


scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien


ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no


1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?


Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.


Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…


My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.