@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

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@BrettDruck

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

@StumblerTop

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

@athleisure_monk

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

@petridishes

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@gldivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.