“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
This kid is a star!
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.