hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream