I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair