[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
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cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
your honor my client chooses dare
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.