Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
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If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now