A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat