Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me too door. Me too.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
BRAKING NEWS!!
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.