Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid